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February 15th, 2005

11:12 am - Scene Points are stupid
I realized the otherday that some people are stupid. They are sadly into everything because of "scene points". This is even dumber then doing stuff to be popular in high school. Ok now that that is said...cough...can't wait to move to Chicago...cough. No don't get me wrong. I like the people around here. You guys rock, but I want to start over new and try to act like it will be different somewhere else. Even though I know I will just run into it somewhere else. I just want to live life and not care. I know that if you like me, you like me. But if you like me or don't like me cause of "scene points" then you can kiss it. Now that is all that will be said about that, wow that was a waste of typing...

Damn now that I say I want to move, I kinda got sad....sniffles...
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: nothing

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February 8th, 2005

10:55 am - Sorry to all I have seemed to forget
I realized the otherday when I talked to my friend Chris that I have not been hanging out with anyone anymore. I haven't talked to him since before Christmas and it just feels weird to realize this. Krissy is married and I can't even remember the last time I talked to her. I feel shitty for all these people that I have not meant to, but have ignored. I really do love you all, I don't mean to stay in my hole and never come out. Sorry. I feel sometimes that the only people I talk to are Jordan, Dave, and Amber. And this is all fine and good. I love these guys more than anything, but I am sorry to everyone else. I truely want to know that you are doing good and that life isn't giving you the shaft. If it is, I want to be there for you. Love you guys and I hope everyone is doing ok. I swear I will try to get out and talk to all of you in person. I love you guys and thank you for all that you have done for me. Hopefully I will talk to you soon!
Current Mood: geekygeeky
Current Music: White Stripes

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January 12th, 2005

03:04 pm - what more to say
Well well my life is kinda sucky, but yet some how not that bad. I ended my 2 year vegetarian run and started eating meat again. I needed a change or something. In the middle of finding a new job that is worth going to, looking for scholarships, and painfully fighting off the stomach flu. Wow my life is exciting. That is really about it.
Current Mood: bitchysick as hell
Current Music: none

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December 16th, 2004

10:23 am - Around
Lately I have been having really weird dreams and they are so realistic that it is scary. I had a dream the otherday that Jordans mom and sisters came over and were cleaning his house and i was sleeping alone in his bed. When they found me I was naked and freaked out. Then I had one about my Christmas at my Grandmas and everyone who shows up. It seemed normal, but everything was a bit off.
My internet is fucked so I am using Jordan's computer, which equals typing with his cat laying on my arm. It is distracting , but he is just to cute to push him off. Damn the cat.
I had fun with my mini Christmas party at my place. Thank you guys for showing up and having fun. We ate, we drank, we gave each other presents, and mostly we played with Xavier. Yeah, I love that little guy.
Well I am off to my fourth day in a row of working my mindless job. If I don't talk to you soon...Merry Christmas and a very very Awesome New Year!
Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: nothing

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December 2nd, 2004

11:11 am - long time no see
I realized the other day that I haven't written in my journal in fucking forever. I guess I have been a little down lately about a few things, but more or less busy busy busy. I was going to post the day this happened, but I was miserable. The day before Thanksgiving my 18 year old dog was put to sleep. Lady was in really bad shape and my parents had to do it. But the phone call I recieved explaining this wasn't all that great. My mom called to tell me that we weren't having Thanksgiving at home, this was great news I thought. Because working in retail....well everyone knows I was working the stupidly long and busy shift the next day (11 hours, no break). Instead of putting it nicely...I asked "what about Lady?" (She at the time was very sick and my mom had to give her pills a few times a day)...my Mom decided saying "Oh well we put her down this morning" was the best way to tell a person that the dog she has had around since she could remembered just died. So as you guessed I fucking lost it! I called into work, told them I wasn't coming and spent the day with Amber and Dave. Which was awesome of course. The rest of my pissiness is just about my job sucking ass and my boss being an ass...Blah blah blah. The rest of my life...great! My mom came over and helped me clean my house. I have the greatest guy by my side. Awesome friends that love me even when I suck. And I am finally healthy! YEAH for that!
Current Mood: complacentok
Current Music: Silence for once

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November 17th, 2004

10:09 pm
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to cut my hair again. It was starting to become a mullet and I can't have any of that. I guess my whole growing out my hair thing will just have to wait.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: South Park in the background

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October 17th, 2004

09:19 pm - Remember the light isn't always out
There is this part in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" when Joel is walking away from Clementine's door. It is so beautiful. It is filmed a little different than most of the movie and he just smiles, standing in the bright of a street light, with snow falling down. It kind of reminded me of how I feel right now. I had a little ray of sun light that came over me these last few days. I just have to smile. Thank you...
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
Current Music: Hole

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October 2nd, 2004

10:48 pm - This week
Wow this has been an interesting week. I love you all and I have no idea what to say. I guess I am happy and sad, scared and secure. I really don't know how to say what has gone through my fucked up head. I guess this is it for now.
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Eternal Sunshine Soundtrack

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September 20th, 2004

03:43 pm - not exactly
Yesterday may have not worked out exactly how either Erin or I wanted, but I think that we had an ok time. We got to see Ambers wonderful fashion show, I got to see Michael, and we hung out with Liz and her friends. Grant it we drove back...well she drove back late at night and I felt bad cause I couldn't stay awake. But what can you do. We did get to eat Cracker Barrel, which was quite yummy and the Q bar was so much fun! All in all an interesting day. Thanks for sharing it with me Erin! I wish we were able to hang out with Amber and Michael more though. Oh well...next time I guess. PS...Erin and Amber looked totally HOT!
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Blur...Song #2

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September 12th, 2004

12:08 am - lost without love
I got out of work a few hours ago, happily realizing I wasn't going to have to go to work tomorrow. This was the first real smile that has graced my face in days. I opened a bottle of wine and pet my cat. This is a night to remember. I watched a stupid chick flick and cried through the whole end. I cried on my way home tonight too, as I remember. I was listening to the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" soundtrack and all I could think about it is how the movie hit a little too close to home. The music is actually running through my head right now. Why am I the way I am? Why do I fall for the guys who hurt me the most? I never thought that a heart was actually able to break. But mine did. The otherday when I was crying myself to sleep, I realized that my prozac wasn't working. This was the fifth day in a row that I had done this. All day for weeks I faked happiness. At work I had to be the number one employee and flash a smile at all the customers. The second the last customer left I felt a tear form in each eye. I can't do this anymore. Faking my life is what I have been doing for too long. Then when I get home and go out I am the misery chick. The one that complains too much and hardly cracks a smile. I am sorry to everyone that has had to put up with my unhappiness. I am trying my hardest to smile, I promise I will try harder next time. Anyway I knew years ago I wasn't meant for anyone and I don't know why I have been tricking myself. This is it for me. I am done. I am not faking it anymore. I am going to get help and be as happy as my meds will let me. I am sorry if you wasted your time to read this. I am going to sleep and hopefully everything will be better in the morning.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Mr. Blue Sky

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